Dealing with Insecurity & Shame in a Relationship

Today’s post is my reaction, as being a life & love advisor, to a question that is reader’s shame and insecurity after and during a relationship. Though it talks straight to an intimate relationship, equivalent principles connect with any relationship and any situation where you’re securing to emotions of worthlessness.

The equipment below will coach you on how to approach insecurity and certainly will enable one to restore your self-compassion and confidence.

Dear D: My Boyfriend Causes Me Personally Feel Insecure

I happened to be in a relationship with a person for 36 months that ended this past year. It absolutely was a healthier relationship for the very first 2 yrs, but we expanded aside, and remained together half a year much longer than we have to have. In place of getting away from the connection, he stopped including me personally in the life. I’m almost particular he started dating their present gf before our relationship finished.

I’m struggling using the known proven fact that he had been lazy and cowardly about ending our relationship. We had conversations it wasn’t working, but he stated he cared about me personally, and desired to make it work well. absolutely Nothing he did reflected that. Finally he was told by me it was done, in which he then took six months to have their things away from our home.

Within the place that is dark my heart, We can’t overcome this sense of worthlessness. It absolutely was effortless for him to avoid including me personally in the life, in which he didn’t care sufficient about us to say ‘it’s over’. Why have always been we shame that is experiencing and exactly how may I move through this insecurity?

Many thanks for trying, and I have always been therefore sorry for the pain sensation while the feeling of worthlessness and insecurity you are experiencing.

It hurts to be disappointed by somebody you earn your self at risk of. When you look at the perfect globe, you’d tell him things you need, in which he will give it for your requirements. He’d you will need to result in the relationship work. (he’d respect you, and transfer quickly. if it couldn’t,) he’dn’t begin a brand new relationship before leaving the prevailing one with you!

He failed to live as much as your objectives.

I ask you to definitely consider the “possible future”, and also the feasible we of the future…

Are you prepared to be bold and genuinely believe that honest, pleased, wholehearted love is looking forward to you?

Are you prepared to stay, fully invested in producing this radiant future, regardless of what?

I really hope therefore! Since when you are doing, you start become defined by the future a lot more than days gone by.

What’s the step that is first doing that, precisely?


You will need to just just simply take COMPLETE ownership for the love life into the past, as well as the present – the great, bad, in addition to unsightly.

At this time, you’re probably thinking, “But Danielle, it’s not MY FAULT… I’ve done everything right… I tried making it work…. We also told him to finally leave…. Why can I simply take 100% duty?”

First, I would ike to explain that accepting “100% obligation” isn’t:

X Negating or EXCUSING a wrongdoing by some other person.

X using the accepted spot of feeling REAL emotions like pain, anger, sadness, frustration, etc…

X dealing with 100% associated with “fault”.

√ It IS about using ownership regarding the role that YOU’VE played in your love life… …including most of the choices that YOU’VE made, and all sorts of regarding the events that YOU’VE added to.

Yourself stew in feeling “wronged” (even if that other person was 95% at fault), you become blinded, and cannot see how you may have contributed to this circumstance if you continue to let.

If you have a good, compassionate self-reflection training, it is possible to ask:

just just How did I co-create this? In just what methods did we enable this? What warning flag did we ignore because i did son’t would you like to rock the watercraft?

Who had been we being for over 6 months that I stayed with a man who showed me he was unavailable and insensitive to me?

No real matter what has occurred within the past…today, you are free to produce a brand new tale for yourself.

Tools to conquer Feeling Worthless, Insecure or Ashamed

So…how is it possible to take 100% duty for the circumstances around love? exactly what can you will do to banish feelings of worthlessness and shame?

It’s an ongoing process. Today but it starts with an exercise that you can do:


Exactly exactly How did we subscribe to these scenarios?

Exactly what can we be responsible for in this example?

Exactly exactly What have always been we prepared to you will need to appreciate concerning this relationship?

“I am ready to just take 100% duty for several we create in love and life.

We recognize that, while others may may play a role in my own life, We am the CREATOR of my scenario. I will be in control, and I also am that effective.”

All my love, Danielle

Simply experienced this myself. Truthfully, exactly just exactly what managed to make it more serious was he then declined to acknowledge me personally in public places if not react to any one of my concerns via e-mail. Just as if ditching me personally for the next girl wasn’t disrespectful enough, he previously to keep the b.s. publically. And I also knew as he works and lives within blocks of my workplace that I would occasionally see him.

And even though yes, if we knew I would personallyn’t need certainly to see him once again – we would entirely cut contact. However the other day, as he once more attempted to imagine he didn’t see me personally, I made the decision to approach him and participate in a conversation that is short. Weirdly, he recommended we meet up (he really meant that) although I doubt. But I wasn’t going to allow him to carry on dealing with me personally like a non-entity. I did son’t do anything to him.